Dekemvri.

Povtorno dekemvri. Povtorno sneg. Povtorno prezivuvanje. Mojata potsvest se soocuva so stvarnosta. Moram da zaspivam. Ne sakam. Moram da se nasmevnuvam. Ne sakam. Moram da ziveam. Ne sakam.
Ne e preuvelicuvanje. Vistina e. Odam po snezen pat i za moment se zaleduvam. Kako snegulka. Mi se zakocuvaat setilata koga ke se prisetam. Koga potsvesta me potseka deka nemam pricina da se raduvam. Koga uste poloso, domot me potseka deka se e poinaku. Koga se sekavam. Koga site me slusaat, a nikoj ne me razbira. Koga goram vo sebe, a se smeam pred svetot.
Ima momenti vo zivotot koga dodeka probuvame da sfatime koi sme, se menuvame I pak sme na pocetokot. Koga dodeka treperime od studot barame podadena raka, a ja odbivame. Koga se nadevame deka realnosta e son, a sonot realnost. Koga se gusime necujno.
Ima zima i sneg i stud. Dekemvri ne mozam da go prespijam. A sepak, od moeto srce studot nikogas ne si otisol. Samo sto vo Dekemvri I fizicki go prezivuvam. I go mrazam. Tolku bolno iskreno

update...

On the 18th the once that woke up early enought had chance to go to church.. The funniest part this day was pirate game.I also had a presentation that was funny beacuase i didnt know what slide is comming next so i was making up things. haha we were running in the sport hall and chasing each other. The night there was a pub of Bulgaria, Irland (i joined Ireland) Germany and Korea. fun as always.

On the 19th was busy.. More than the usual as we had only one break on which i went in town and drank coffee with my darling Orla from ireland. The night we had guest, 97 years old man that have survived 4 concentration logors. It was really sad and i start crying at the end. End of this night with chill out pub and singing songs.

20th. Visit of concentration camp. No words to describe the feeling there. It was spookie as we saw the gas room and the krematorium, pictures of people that didnt had 25 kilos on them, all skin and bons.. =(

Then Linz and nice walk and coffee.. Good day.. Made me realise that i am fortunate to hear this stories and rememeber all people that suffed and once again be grateful for what i have now..

Now.. visiting wine museum.. jummy..

Good night.. Talk to you soon..(last days countdown starts =( )

camp update

So i didnt really find some time to write everyday but i will try to fill now the stuff that i have missed. On Wed we divided ourselfs in special interests group, i took promotion and our task is to organize the main event at the end of the camp, Festival of Nations. We made really cool poster.
On the 15th was our macedonian national pub. We made Sopska Salad and bread with ajvar and cheese. We also brought Smoki, and rakija and gave to the participants. The rakia was good accepted, and wanted. We also showed the Pajdusko dance, and the participants that were in our group learned it really good.



on the 16.07 we were talking about red cross spirit and the most important thing this day was the peace walk. AMAZING.. we were holding candles while we were walking in Langenlois and then we had big camp fire and while we were sitting next to it we were sitting and singing song. Great feeling.


On the 17.07 we went to VIENNA :)))))))) Since words are not enough i will post pics when i will found out how can i create slide show.
At the night it was national day to Eguipt, Italy, Slovakia and China, so i ate pasta, tiramisu, eguiptian dessert (delisious) and also slovakian ´hlebicki´ that i have helped prepare..

yes yes i am having fun here..

pictures pictures

Yes I AM TIRED. and i wanna scream how tired i am, but i am having wonderful time here. Today we went to visit the maire of the city, and he was really really nice. He gave a speech, and he gave us some wine, cause apparently this city is famous for wine and we are going to taste different kinds of wine every day. i got to meet more people and talk more, but my besties so far are the crazy ginger irish girls. One of them is my roomate and they are awesome.
We had presentation of our country and our national society now and it went great. We had good presentation and i am proud of it.

Now we are having some party, and then bed untill tomorrow..

Now some pics. Hope you like it.
Oh by the way if you say twice jaja it means KISS MY ASS in slang german.. hahaha

Summer camp - Austria

Hi all,
since i do not have wifi and i have to use this public pc with german keybord i will write here this next 14 days.
I came in Wien yesterday, checked in some weird hostel that looked like hangar and went sideseeing. It turned out that the hostel in the center so i saw almost all of the main buildings here which were beautiful. I was talking pics but i cannot post them because i am not on my lap top (hopefully i will think how this wifi works).
Today i came in Langenlois and met bunch of people. It seems that it will be wonderful and fun all 14 days because all people have some positive energy. Good vibes. Good =)I am sharing a room with Austrian, German and Irish girl. Ja ja German and German all the time. I might learn something more than danke, bite, ja, jaja (which btw means kiss my ass in a slang).

Oh.. I have learn Irish dance. haha. You get easily tired with this dance.

Well, in short. I am happy that i get to speak English, i am happy that i will meet so many new and great people, and i am happy that i have this experience..

Güt night ..

Talk to you soon

*
Mracen pogled sokriva
Edno misticno i tesko minato.
Patuvanje vo idnina
I kopnez za poubav pocetok
Prepoznavam vo nejzinata nasmevka.
Patista, kraevi, padovi,
Isprepleteni sonovi, silen kopnez
I nemir vo dusata
Se obelezje na nejzinata minata borba
So samata sebe...

*
Jas sum senka vo nokta.
Koja bara razlicni oblici na svetlina,
Onamu kade sto mrakot e edinstven gospodar.
Jas sum vozvisen privid
Na nepoznatoto i lazno svedostvo
Koe na onie koi ziveat vo temnina
Im nudi zrak spokojstvo.
Jas sum son koj prodava iliuzii
Na smrtnici osiromaseni so kopnez.
Jas sum vrisok,
Koj gi budi najnevinite detski dusicki
Zemajki im kapka mir.
Jas sum samo izguben talkac vo nokta,
Koj cela svoja sreka ja dal na bespomosnite.
Talkac koj opstojuva za nokta I mesecinata
Koja I dava sila da postoi i da se nadeva
Deka zvukot na teskoto disenje vo nokta
Naskoro ke prestane...

*
Od son ,
Se izdigase nejzinata nasmevka,
Iskrena, a skrsena,
Ubava, a zaboravena;
...vecna, a zaledena...

Od srekata,
Se izdigaa zelbite,
Se prepletuvaa zivotite,
Se nasmevnuvaa taznite;
...propagaa nevinite...

Od kopnezot,
Se izdigaa strastite,
Se brisea potrebite,
Se rusea momentite;
...nasmeani ostanuvaa samo zaljubenite...

Od pepel,
Se izdigase nejzinoto ime,
Iscrtano nad zivotot,
Skrseno vo ocajot,
Zarobeno vo spomeni;
...zabelezano za vekovi...

Od krajot,
Se izdigase pocetokot,
Se ranea nadezite,
Se rusea svetovite,
Se povtoruvaa denovite;
...isceznuvaa sekundite...

Nesovrsena realnost

Verojatno vo zivotot postojat momenti koga rabotite koi gi sakame se tolku daleku od nas, a nie duri otkoga ke gi izgubime sfakame deka ne mozeme bez istite. I togas ja barame najlazlivata vistina vo nasite srca, dali toa sto ni se slucuva e vozmozno I realno? Zatoa sto realnosta e razlicna vo secii oci. Taa prestavuva monotonost za nekoi, dinamicnost za drugi. Razigranost ili depresija ili mozebi gradenje na lazlivi spomeni od sopstvenata prikazna I naivno veruvanje deka utre sepak ke bide podobro. I vo momentite koga ke se pocustvuvame porazeni, pocnuvame da gi barame rabotite I lugeto koi ni se bliski I da veruvame deka tie ke go sprecat naseto tonenenje. I toa e najgolemata ironija, koja se povtoruva postojano. Taa glupava lazliva sreka koja ni ja nudat rabotite koi ne pravat srekni e samo izmiclica na dosadnite veceri koga sonceto zaoga, a nie uporno go barame naseto mesto pod sonceto. Verojatno istrazuvanjeto na sopstvenata sreka I barajki ja sopstvenata vistina vo naseto srce ke ni ja donese harmonijata kon koja tezneeme, bez da se prasuvame dali sme zgresile, I dali nekoj nas zbor ili delo povredil nekogo. Konecno, mora da sfatime deka denes e uspeh da se opstojuva bez da moras da se privrzes za nesto, zatoa sto privrzanosta e glupava rabota, koja koga ke se izgubi nosi bolka. Ako uspeeme da se pocituvame bez da ni bide gajle dali drugite ne pocituvaat nema da gi gubime bliskite raboti (I luge) zatoa sto istite tie nema da postojat, a nie ke bideme sovrseni roboti na moderniot zivot koi ke ja ziveat sopstvenata lazliva prikazna. Sepak, podobro e ponekogas da znaeme da izgubime nesto samo za da gi cenime poveke rabotite I da ja prifatime nasata nesovrsena realnost. Samo za da moze da veruvame deka utre sigurno ke bide podobro

Kopnez

Vozvisenost I trepet go obvivaa nejzinoto srce, a nasmevkata na nejzinoto lice oznacuvase kopnez. Silen I postojan! Kopnezot go oznacuvase sekoj vozvisen cin na stradanjeto na teloto. Fizickata bolka ja oznuvase tapoto steganje na gradite, ama taa toa ne go primetuvase. Psihickoto izmacuvanje bese posilno. Toa bese nemirna vozdiska, tesko disenje, vrtoglavica. Toa bese bitka so samata sebe I bitka so svetot koj I gi okupirase mislite. Nejzinoto srce bese svieno vo crnina. Toa cukase silno I otsecno slusajki go ritamot na pesnite koi I bea ostavile tolku silen vpecatok. Taa ne sakase da priznae ama se plasese. Se plasese da ne ostane sama slusajki gi stihovite koi vo sekoj son gi povtoruva cuvstvuvajki silna bolka.
Nejzina bolka bese kopnezot.
Kopnezot bese pricina za bezivotniot izraz na nejzinoto lice i za nejziniot trepet vo gradite.
A nejzina cel bese vistinata. Onaa lazliva traga koja ostava rana dlaboko vo srceto-taa sakase da znae dali taa rana e vistinska.
Taa vsusnost sakase da znae dali moze da ja izdade bolkata. ..
Taa samo sakase da se zapoznae sebe si…
Taa sakase da se nasmee..
Taa vistinski sakase, sakase…

. He was sitting in his chair, looking at me, and as always asking me question about your health. Calling me with my baby nick name, I was more than happy to see that he looked great. Smiling with joy and looking young I was happy to see that he doesn’t have any pain, he doesn’t have any scars, and he enjoys life. I was confused by this, as I knew that his health is not very good, but I assumed that he become better. As we were talking about how to prevent future problems, I was looking with joy and smiled.
Then. I woke up. It was a dream. He is not here. It is 5 am. Another dream in which I saw his happy face. All confused I went to his room. Empty room, perfectly made bed. Picture of me, my brother and my mother on the side. Pictures that he was seeing while fighting to survive. Pictures that were reminding him that he should not give up. I crushed on the bed all in tears. More than ever I realized that I miss him. More than I ever I realized that this past 6 months are fake. I am fake. I am not the same person, that so desperately I am trying to be. I am hiding that I miss him. And people think I don’t. But I do. To call me by nick name, or just send me message asking me what took me so long to come home, or that he loves me. I miss his perfume all around. I miss my friends saying “ Your dad is sooo handsome” . I miss my brother and I fighting for whom to get his old phone. I miss him being the imperfect dad, and the most stylish 45 years old ever. I miss him buying films, and watching them with me and my brother. I miss his specific taste for juices. I miss him making fun of me and my friends when we were making sangria. I miss him joke around with me and my boyfriend. I miss him drinking coffee with me, and miss his talks about good places in town. I miss him saying “ You look beautiful “ before I was going out. I miss him eating watermelon with me, and discussing about food.I miss him saying “ What have you drank last night ?”. I miss you to change pictures from phone with me through wifi. I miss my imperfect, stylish, funny and amazing father. I love him. I always did. Never showed that.
I miss him more than I could think I ever will. And I barely enter in this room. It is so frickin painful.

"No gay permitted

“ Big Moto event for everyone that enjoys riding motorcycles. No alcohol, No drugs, No guns and NO homosexuals permitted” (This event is sponsored by city of Skopje)
Yes. This is the official invitation of this even, that on big posters is placed across the capital city. And all seems ok for almost everyone till the day when couple of NGO’s started complaining about this.
Well, this is something that should bother every single one of you. Not only few NGO’s. Girl, boy, women, man, adult, teen. Everyone. How can this be publicly said? I am not saying how people can think about this but how can you display such a thought in the center of the city?
I am frustrated and I am sick of this. We are going backwards and backwards and I am not sure where this will end.
In case you didn’t know, Macedonia has a law against discrimination, that is valid for everyone except homosexuals. Yes. You read well. And we are waiting to be accepted in the family of EU. Why we don’t mention homosexuals in this law? Because we don’t have homosexuals. It is that simple. Why would we need law that will protect them, when we don’t have any of “those creatures”.
I am not sure if we talk about dump or ignorant people. Or maybe blind. People who run our country and vote on laws. People who are planning to prohibit the abortion, and the right of choice. People who are discriminating while hiring are voting on a law against discrimination that has nothing to do with the basic human rights, because it does not include every one that might potentially be discriminated.
Good job Macedonia. Good job… keep being blind and ignorant. And go have fun on that event.

Ponekogas

Da, postoi vreme koga se sekavam na minatoto so taga. Daleku so mislite probuvam da se vozdrzam da ne zaplcam pred luge, luge koi mi zboruvaat za nekoi poinakvi, poubavi vreminja. Vreminja koi mi se cinat tolku dalecni. Skoro nevozmozno dostiglivi. Ne realni. Nikogas za mene ostvarlivi.
Da, postojat moment koga go mrazam cel svet. GI mrazam nasmevkite na lugeto odokolu zatoa sto jas ne se smeam. Bar ne so celo srce. I znam deka ne treba da ocekuvam cel svet da zastane samo zatoa sto jas padnav, no bar da se svrtat onie koi brzaat kon onie koi se dole padnati.
Da, postojat momenti koga mi se grci srceto. Navecer, pred da zaspijam. Kako zastareni I dalecni momenti mi se prestavuvaat vo glavata sliki od spomeni koi bolat. I nemozam da zaspijam. Cekam da dojde vreme koga ke mozam da gi izbrkam tie sliki I koga ke mozam da zaspijam bez grcenje.
Da, postoi vreme koga ne mislam na tagata. Vreme koga se smeam bar malku iskreno I koga povtorno veruvam vo zivotot. Koga go pijam sonceto I uzivam vo prirodata. I togas, nekoja najmala sitnica. Nesto za site drugi nebitno ke me vrati nazad I ke mi donese novi I novi sliki od mojot zivot I ke me rastazi.
Da znam deka ne sum edinstvena. Da znam deka ne sum najnesrekna. Ne ni sakam da se klasificiram kako takva. No isto taka od koga znam za sebe znam deka zivotot e nefer I deka te butka postojano. Dobro, nekoi gi posteduva, no ne sum jas od tie tolku sreknite.
Sto imam? Imam pretpostauvam neizvesna idina za koja nesakam da razmisluvam, zatoa sto sum zaglavena so mislite vo minatoto. Imam srce koe seuste znae da saka, no nesaka da se privrzuva. Imam zivotna bolka koja nikogas nema da iscezne. I imam son, koj ke se trudam da go dostignam. Imam sila da pisuvam. I Imam prijateli za koi zivot bi dala I znam deka toa samo po sebe e golema sreka.
Ironicno, no krajot go nosi zaklucokot deka sum srekna na nekoj cuden I neverojaten nacin. I duri I koga mi se grci srceto, prodolzuvam da disam zaradi oni na koi mi pokazale deka sum im potrebna.

random thinking

If i could say one word what would it be? If i could have one wish what would it be? If i could scream one more time, how loud would it be? How big my wish can grow, how painful my scream can be?
i had wish. Now i have nothing. I had life. Now i have leftovers. Yes, i was trying to achieve my goals, but i crashed in the middle. Yes i was trying to scream, but no voice was going out. Yes i was trying to hug the moon, but i couldnt reach it.
In a life full with wrong decisions, bad habits, beautiful people, i am not able to find myself. The crowd is passing me by and yet, my life stopped.

' I love you baby, that's all you need to think of when you will feel down'

I am trying. God knows i am.

Before leaving US

As my time in USA passes I have big need to write what is on my mind. I usually sleep at this time, but my dream is interrupted by the memories that are coming in mind.
During this year mostly I was learning. I was learning how to be more organized, how to be patient, how to smile even when I don’t want to and most of all I was learning what is like to be different. Something that I never was before. During this year I was trying to find myself. I was trying to figure out what are the things that are making me happy and what I actually want from life. This big, challenging school year is near its end and I can freely say that I am leaving like a winner, because I managed to stay and keep believing in the good of this world. This made me become even more passionate about human rights.
I know that when I go home, I will be the first one who will loudly support homosexual rights. This all is thanks to all wonderful, AMAZING people who showed me that being homosexual means being awesome, fun and loving person. I will also fight loudly for women’s rights and I will keep the spirit of VDay, organization that made me think deeper about everyday life, and the violence in it, inside me . Although I didn’t gave my best in it, I want you all to know that I truly respect every single girl that is part of it and I believe that they will be really successful women.
I will loudly speak against any kind of segregation based on nationality because I am SICK of politics and their influence in young people life. Because we, young people can make a difference and change the current situation in Macedonia. All this reminds me of another amazing women that I met and that gave me amazing advices about life. Joanne Bland . Thanks to her, and the whole Civil Rights Trip, today I am more confident that better world is possible and that everything can be achieved if we believe that we can MAKE a difference.
During this year I realized more than ever that I WANT to be Human Rights journalist and I will do what ever it takes to achieve that goal.
During this year, I’ve gone through hell. But also, during this year I met amazing friends who made my life easier and were always here for me. I know that I will keep them always in my heart and although I will not see them (that often at least) I will always think about them and love them with all my heart. Because of every single day that was full with fun, smiles, tears, hugs, drinks. Because of every moment that made me cherish life more.

Also, I will say that I had soooo much fun working with great people, (Taco BEll :) ) who knew how to make the busy days easier, and the slow days funnier
And last, but not least UEP rocks. And I MEANT IT. Because of the support, the positive energy and the feeling that your presence here has some meaning. I <3 UEP. I <3 UWEC

...

Cekoram. Po rabot na stvarnosta a so svrten grb na mesecinata. So osamena nasmevka I zalutan pogled. So skrseni sonista I so izvesna idnina.
Ladno e. Ne mi studi. Temno e. Ne mi e strav. Zaspivam. Ne sakam da se razbudam. Odam poleka. Poleka. Nikoj da ne cue. Nikoj da ne mi go ukrade zdivot. Nikoj da ne cue deka sum tuka. Da ne vidi svetot deka postojam. Boli. Ne vristam. Pece. Ne umiram. Nikoj ne slusa. Se smeam. Nikoj ne primetuva.
Nasmevka. Solza. Krajnosti. Zivot so rizici.
Rizikuvav. Izgubiv.
Sega, me demne sepot I senka. Me demnat prasanja.

thinking.. in the air

It is hard to write this in the plane, having in mind that I am super tired, but still I am not able to take a nap. It is hard period. Another one in the road, another chance, opportunity, second chance of me being happy in the place where everyone else is.
Second time flying the “big water”. It feels weird. In a weird way I feel like I am somewhere in between.. In between what I was and what I want to be in future. Or at least what I imagine being.
I am on a half way through life. Trying hard to survive. Trying hard to keep smiling. Trying hard to say that I can DO this as I have done many times before.
Again. In the scene of life I feel lost. I feel broken, but strong, I feel tired but entousiastic, I want to disapear, but still I want to survive.
I, I, I.. it seems that it is all about me. NO, it is not. It is about everybody else. Everybody that tries to convince me that need me. It is about stupid destiny. It is about hope. It is about temptation. My feelings are just one part of the whole situation. That’s why I write in I style.
The goodbye scene was again present. The small gathering at home, the food, the airport. Many many people, but I was feeling sooo empty and lonely. Like never before. It was different. My father and grandfather werent there to remind me that they loved me. I know they did love me, I just feel it is not fair. It is not fair! Can you here me screaming in the plane, with tears in my eyes. Can you hear my heart mealting? Can you read my letters to God, in which I am ordering him to stop taking people from my life? Letters in which I am writing that this is not fun anymore, and that I can not stand anymore? Can you see that I can not take any other temptation? Can you see that I do not believe any more? If you can , please tell your loving God in which you all believe that I am not sure what is right and what wrong anymore..So do not dare to judge me…
Back on the second farewell. I was survivng the same scene from August, and I was dying. Literally. I was packing my bags and remind my self how my father was making fun of my big baggage. I was seating with the rest of the family and I was remembering his voice and his jokes with my friends and my uncle. I was sleeping and I was feeling his presence next to me the night before I left. I was eating home made “croassants” and I was thinking how he was eating them with me in the car. The same people again in the car. He is gone. The home is empty. Now daddy, I am the one that cries, not you.. We changed our roles. You were crying when I left, telling my brother that it is hard. Now I cry and tell the world that is way harder daddy.
I left for the second time. With broken hopes and fake smile. I left my empty home. I left everyone there that needs me. And I am not sure if I can make through this. I am not strong anymore. I can not b

bye bye

It was cold winter day. Like every other in December.. I was waking up and I was feeling confused. Some weird feeling of loneliness, relief, hope, sadness.. Like in a dream. I was secretly hoping that I was dreaming and that soon I will woke up and everything will be the same.
The day before, I said my last goodbye to my father. In a period of 42 hours, I came back from 6000 miles away, I barely slept, I was hearing my father hard breathing and I’ve heard him taking his last breath and also I through dust and sand in the place that now I call “my parents home”.
All in between I was surrounded by people who were repeating “be strong”. I was whispering “I will” not even realizing what is going on. I was feeling empty, emotionless. In me, everything was dead. It was me in a condition semi-conscious and the rest of the world gossiping about something that I never really understood.
Now I was awake and confused. The mix of feeling was here to remind me that something was wrong. I could cry, but I didn’t. I could scream, but I didn’t. I could stay in my room feeling sorry about my life, but I didn’t. at this point I felt guilty. Why am I not suffering? Or is this suffering? Or.. I have to talk at loud how much I miss my parents? Or even more, how much I miss MY life with my parents? How much I miss being innocent girls whose parents laugh at loud while they shop together and raise their kids in a way that they think is right.. And be there for their kids to show them the world, to show them the beauty of the nature, the beauty of every single day that many people forget to cherish. I was thinking about this and still hoping that something will be the same again.
It is empty. My home is empty. There is no smile in it. There is no reason to stay inside in it. There is nothing inside. Just 3 broken hearths that can never be the same. Hearts who beat now only for one thing-go and visit the “eternal home” of their loved ones.
Is this suffering? Do I suffer without crying? Because I feel that my tears are drained and that my personality is empty. I can not even suffer any more…

I don’t talk about my lost. I try to skip the part that has to explain how do I feel and pass on some other subject. With a smile. Fake..
At this point I don’t even want to try to pretend that I care about what others will think and I Don’t care at all if someone will think that I don’t miss my father or that its too soon for me to smile. I smile because it is easier to walk in life with a smile on my face. Although is fake.

And yes. I do miss my parents. But I miss my life with them more. The saddest thing when someone dies is about people being selfish . We don’t cry because someone is not alive, we cry because we miss them. I miss my parents, but I don’t cry. I don’t think that I love at this point too. As I mentioned. I feel empty and I am walking in every single day empty,. With half heart broken and other half that maybe doesn’t want to survive.
And I will smile.. But don’t ask me why… Maybe because its not a dream.. Its real.. So I smile in my destiny’s face.
As a friend says “because you are fluent in sarcasm”. Maybe that is all I have left.