It was cold winter day. Like every other in December.. I was waking up and I was feeling confused. Some weird feeling of loneliness, relief, hope, sadness.. Like in a dream. I was secretly hoping that I was dreaming and that soon I will woke up and everything will be the same.
The day before, I said my last goodbye to my father. In a period of 42 hours, I came back from 6000 miles away, I barely slept, I was hearing my father hard breathing and I’ve heard him taking his last breath and also I through dust and sand in the place that now I call “my parents home”.
All in between I was surrounded by people who were repeating “be strong”. I was whispering “I will” not even realizing what is going on. I was feeling empty, emotionless. In me, everything was dead. It was me in a condition semi-conscious and the rest of the world gossiping about something that I never really understood.
Now I was awake and confused. The mix of feeling was here to remind me that something was wrong. I could cry, but I didn’t. I could scream, but I didn’t. I could stay in my room feeling sorry about my life, but I didn’t. at this point I felt guilty. Why am I not suffering? Or is this suffering? Or.. I have to talk at loud how much I miss my parents? Or even more, how much I miss MY life with my parents? How much I miss being innocent girls whose parents laugh at loud while they shop together and raise their kids in a way that they think is right.. And be there for their kids to show them the world, to show them the beauty of the nature, the beauty of every single day that many people forget to cherish. I was thinking about this and still hoping that something will be the same again.
It is empty. My home is empty. There is no smile in it. There is no reason to stay inside in it. There is nothing inside. Just 3 broken hearths that can never be the same. Hearts who beat now only for one thing-go and visit the “eternal home” of their loved ones.
Is this suffering? Do I suffer without crying? Because I feel that my tears are drained and that my personality is empty. I can not even suffer any more…
I don’t talk about my lost. I try to skip the part that has to explain how do I feel and pass on some other subject. With a smile. Fake..
At this point I don’t even want to try to pretend that I care about what others will think and I Don’t care at all if someone will think that I don’t miss my father or that its too soon for me to smile. I smile because it is easier to walk in life with a smile on my face. Although is fake.
And yes. I do miss my parents. But I miss my life with them more. The saddest thing when someone dies is about people being selfish . We don’t cry because someone is not alive, we cry because we miss them. I miss my parents, but I don’t cry. I don’t think that I love at this point too. As I mentioned. I feel empty and I am walking in every single day empty,. With half heart broken and other half that maybe doesn’t want to survive.
And I will smile.. But don’t ask me why… Maybe because its not a dream.. Its real.. So I smile in my destiny’s face.
As a friend says “because you are fluent in sarcasm”. Maybe that is all I have left.
