Step by step
in this dark dark room
i hear a whisper, i hear a cry
one girl falls apart,
one heart slowly dies.
Questions, no answers
Pain, no cure
Hard breathing and dreaming
hoping for something new...
Listen that quiet walker,
listen that lonely dreamer,
listen that broken soul,
listen those warm tears...
Looking for a change,
looking for a revelation
she keeps hoping
but her heart still cries
she keeps the smile
she brakes the rules,
she plays the game
she is going to survive...
One broken smile.
One lost walker...
One hope...
Million questions
"We don't choose our life. The life chooses us"
Sunday, December 27, 2009
me=broken 22/12/2009
I had a nightmare. My body went all in pain, and I woke up right when the tears started to flow down my face. All in pain I was waking up, in the far far America, and I was thinking “is it everything alright?”.
Then, grabbing the computer and waiting for a sigh, if not the phone. Calling and waiting an answer. Meanwhile my stomach, all wrapped in pain barely let me eat. Good news. Home everything is alright. Or I think it is.
Again and again, in 4 months, the same nightmare, the same routine, the same fear, the same hope, the same questions..
One morning, I got call that stated “ come home, father is not doing well”
I knew that my nightmare will become true. I always guess what will happen in my dreams. I hate to fall asleep just because.
Crying all over and over again and looking for answers. Why my father? Why while I am here? Why did I came at first place? Did he knew that I love him? Did he knew that every single day started with the same fears and hopes about him?
Putting smile on my face, while my heart is melting I am announcing that I am returning home. My new, american friends, all wondering what is the reason about my decision try to convince me that I should stay, that I they will miss me.
I try explaining but I stop in the middle. My body fights to get air. Since that Friday, my days are fight with the time. I never, ever imagined that I could pray to see my father alive, if his condition can be described as alive, just to tell him that I love him, and that school is not more important then he is.
Now, after 30 hours in air, airports, states, countries, I am waiting for my last flight and I am hoping that I will be strong enough to face the situation. To face that my father, at this point can not hear, see, or fell my presence. To face the fact that I couldn’t say to him his last goodbye.
Isn’t ironic? The hope that my father will still breath when I see him, without even thinking about the fact that he might be in pain, and the fact that he is waiting me is a true torture for him.
But I gave a promise one month ago. I gave him a promise that I will be with him if situation got worse. Now I wonder, did I really did that, am I good daughter? Is he proud of me?
My brother is here to remind me that I still have someone left, and that I still need to breath for him. For us.. For the ones that had perfect parents and lost both of them, within 5 years, from the same disease.
This is sad returning. 4 days I am trying to find an explanation and reason why? I will probably do that in the next years, and I will probably wont find any logical answer. Because no answer can be right. Because it is not fair to go through all this at this age, when we, and they should enjoy in their best years together.
And please, friends. I know that you all care, and love us. But I honestly don’t want to hear take care, stay positive, get some rest, it will be ok etc. Because I KNOW that it wont be ok, I know that I cant stay positive and I know that I have to be alone to find some answer why this is happening to me.
I just hope, that none of you have to go through this, never. Cause it really separates my soul, heart, thinking and existing. Because it’s the worst thing that can happen to you at the age of 20.
And by the way.. I hate winter, I hate snow, I hate December and January… Cause the winter takes it all..
p.s. i got home, my father still breaths, hardly.. the last days countdown..
Then, grabbing the computer and waiting for a sigh, if not the phone. Calling and waiting an answer. Meanwhile my stomach, all wrapped in pain barely let me eat. Good news. Home everything is alright. Or I think it is.
Again and again, in 4 months, the same nightmare, the same routine, the same fear, the same hope, the same questions..
One morning, I got call that stated “ come home, father is not doing well”
I knew that my nightmare will become true. I always guess what will happen in my dreams. I hate to fall asleep just because.
Crying all over and over again and looking for answers. Why my father? Why while I am here? Why did I came at first place? Did he knew that I love him? Did he knew that every single day started with the same fears and hopes about him?
Putting smile on my face, while my heart is melting I am announcing that I am returning home. My new, american friends, all wondering what is the reason about my decision try to convince me that I should stay, that I they will miss me.
I try explaining but I stop in the middle. My body fights to get air. Since that Friday, my days are fight with the time. I never, ever imagined that I could pray to see my father alive, if his condition can be described as alive, just to tell him that I love him, and that school is not more important then he is.
Now, after 30 hours in air, airports, states, countries, I am waiting for my last flight and I am hoping that I will be strong enough to face the situation. To face that my father, at this point can not hear, see, or fell my presence. To face the fact that I couldn’t say to him his last goodbye.
Isn’t ironic? The hope that my father will still breath when I see him, without even thinking about the fact that he might be in pain, and the fact that he is waiting me is a true torture for him.
But I gave a promise one month ago. I gave him a promise that I will be with him if situation got worse. Now I wonder, did I really did that, am I good daughter? Is he proud of me?
My brother is here to remind me that I still have someone left, and that I still need to breath for him. For us.. For the ones that had perfect parents and lost both of them, within 5 years, from the same disease.
This is sad returning. 4 days I am trying to find an explanation and reason why? I will probably do that in the next years, and I will probably wont find any logical answer. Because no answer can be right. Because it is not fair to go through all this at this age, when we, and they should enjoy in their best years together.
And please, friends. I know that you all care, and love us. But I honestly don’t want to hear take care, stay positive, get some rest, it will be ok etc. Because I KNOW that it wont be ok, I know that I cant stay positive and I know that I have to be alone to find some answer why this is happening to me.
I just hope, that none of you have to go through this, never. Cause it really separates my soul, heart, thinking and existing. Because it’s the worst thing that can happen to you at the age of 20.
And by the way.. I hate winter, I hate snow, I hate December and January… Cause the winter takes it all..
p.s. i got home, my father still breaths, hardly.. the last days countdown..
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