Cekoram. Po rabot na stvarnosta a so svrten grb na mesecinata. So osamena nasmevka I zalutan pogled. So skrseni sonista I so izvesna idnina.
Ladno e. Ne mi studi. Temno e. Ne mi e strav. Zaspivam. Ne sakam da se razbudam. Odam poleka. Poleka. Nikoj da ne cue. Nikoj da ne mi go ukrade zdivot. Nikoj da ne cue deka sum tuka. Da ne vidi svetot deka postojam. Boli. Ne vristam. Pece. Ne umiram. Nikoj ne slusa. Se smeam. Nikoj ne primetuva.
Nasmevka. Solza. Krajnosti. Zivot so rizici.
Rizikuvav. Izgubiv.
Sega, me demne sepot I senka. Me demnat prasanja.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
thinking.. in the air
It is hard to write this in the plane, having in mind that I am super tired, but still I am not able to take a nap. It is hard period. Another one in the road, another chance, opportunity, second chance of me being happy in the place where everyone else is.
Second time flying the “big water”. It feels weird. In a weird way I feel like I am somewhere in between.. In between what I was and what I want to be in future. Or at least what I imagine being.
I am on a half way through life. Trying hard to survive. Trying hard to keep smiling. Trying hard to say that I can DO this as I have done many times before.
Again. In the scene of life I feel lost. I feel broken, but strong, I feel tired but entousiastic, I want to disapear, but still I want to survive.
I, I, I.. it seems that it is all about me. NO, it is not. It is about everybody else. Everybody that tries to convince me that need me. It is about stupid destiny. It is about hope. It is about temptation. My feelings are just one part of the whole situation. That’s why I write in I style.
The goodbye scene was again present. The small gathering at home, the food, the airport. Many many people, but I was feeling sooo empty and lonely. Like never before. It was different. My father and grandfather werent there to remind me that they loved me. I know they did love me, I just feel it is not fair. It is not fair! Can you here me screaming in the plane, with tears in my eyes. Can you hear my heart mealting? Can you read my letters to God, in which I am ordering him to stop taking people from my life? Letters in which I am writing that this is not fun anymore, and that I can not stand anymore? Can you see that I can not take any other temptation? Can you see that I do not believe any more? If you can , please tell your loving God in which you all believe that I am not sure what is right and what wrong anymore..So do not dare to judge me…
Back on the second farewell. I was survivng the same scene from August, and I was dying. Literally. I was packing my bags and remind my self how my father was making fun of my big baggage. I was seating with the rest of the family and I was remembering his voice and his jokes with my friends and my uncle. I was sleeping and I was feeling his presence next to me the night before I left. I was eating home made “croassants” and I was thinking how he was eating them with me in the car. The same people again in the car. He is gone. The home is empty. Now daddy, I am the one that cries, not you.. We changed our roles. You were crying when I left, telling my brother that it is hard. Now I cry and tell the world that is way harder daddy.
I left for the second time. With broken hopes and fake smile. I left my empty home. I left everyone there that needs me. And I am not sure if I can make through this. I am not strong anymore. I can not b
Second time flying the “big water”. It feels weird. In a weird way I feel like I am somewhere in between.. In between what I was and what I want to be in future. Or at least what I imagine being.
I am on a half way through life. Trying hard to survive. Trying hard to keep smiling. Trying hard to say that I can DO this as I have done many times before.
Again. In the scene of life I feel lost. I feel broken, but strong, I feel tired but entousiastic, I want to disapear, but still I want to survive.
I, I, I.. it seems that it is all about me. NO, it is not. It is about everybody else. Everybody that tries to convince me that need me. It is about stupid destiny. It is about hope. It is about temptation. My feelings are just one part of the whole situation. That’s why I write in I style.
The goodbye scene was again present. The small gathering at home, the food, the airport. Many many people, but I was feeling sooo empty and lonely. Like never before. It was different. My father and grandfather werent there to remind me that they loved me. I know they did love me, I just feel it is not fair. It is not fair! Can you here me screaming in the plane, with tears in my eyes. Can you hear my heart mealting? Can you read my letters to God, in which I am ordering him to stop taking people from my life? Letters in which I am writing that this is not fun anymore, and that I can not stand anymore? Can you see that I can not take any other temptation? Can you see that I do not believe any more? If you can , please tell your loving God in which you all believe that I am not sure what is right and what wrong anymore..So do not dare to judge me…
Back on the second farewell. I was survivng the same scene from August, and I was dying. Literally. I was packing my bags and remind my self how my father was making fun of my big baggage. I was seating with the rest of the family and I was remembering his voice and his jokes with my friends and my uncle. I was sleeping and I was feeling his presence next to me the night before I left. I was eating home made “croassants” and I was thinking how he was eating them with me in the car. The same people again in the car. He is gone. The home is empty. Now daddy, I am the one that cries, not you.. We changed our roles. You were crying when I left, telling my brother that it is hard. Now I cry and tell the world that is way harder daddy.
I left for the second time. With broken hopes and fake smile. I left my empty home. I left everyone there that needs me. And I am not sure if I can make through this. I am not strong anymore. I can not b
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