Nesovrsena realnost

Verojatno vo zivotot postojat momenti koga rabotite koi gi sakame se tolku daleku od nas, a nie duri otkoga ke gi izgubime sfakame deka ne mozeme bez istite. I togas ja barame najlazlivata vistina vo nasite srca, dali toa sto ni se slucuva e vozmozno I realno? Zatoa sto realnosta e razlicna vo secii oci. Taa prestavuva monotonost za nekoi, dinamicnost za drugi. Razigranost ili depresija ili mozebi gradenje na lazlivi spomeni od sopstvenata prikazna I naivno veruvanje deka utre sepak ke bide podobro. I vo momentite koga ke se pocustvuvame porazeni, pocnuvame da gi barame rabotite I lugeto koi ni se bliski I da veruvame deka tie ke go sprecat naseto tonenenje. I toa e najgolemata ironija, koja se povtoruva postojano. Taa glupava lazliva sreka koja ni ja nudat rabotite koi ne pravat srekni e samo izmiclica na dosadnite veceri koga sonceto zaoga, a nie uporno go barame naseto mesto pod sonceto. Verojatno istrazuvanjeto na sopstvenata sreka I barajki ja sopstvenata vistina vo naseto srce ke ni ja donese harmonijata kon koja tezneeme, bez da se prasuvame dali sme zgresile, I dali nekoj nas zbor ili delo povredil nekogo. Konecno, mora da sfatime deka denes e uspeh da se opstojuva bez da moras da se privrzes za nesto, zatoa sto privrzanosta e glupava rabota, koja koga ke se izgubi nosi bolka. Ako uspeeme da se pocituvame bez da ni bide gajle dali drugite ne pocituvaat nema da gi gubime bliskite raboti (I luge) zatoa sto istite tie nema da postojat, a nie ke bideme sovrseni roboti na moderniot zivot koi ke ja ziveat sopstvenata lazliva prikazna. Sepak, podobro e ponekogas da znaeme da izgubime nesto samo za da gi cenime poveke rabotite I da ja prifatime nasata nesovrsena realnost. Samo za da moze da veruvame deka utre sigurno ke bide podobro

Kopnez

Vozvisenost I trepet go obvivaa nejzinoto srce, a nasmevkata na nejzinoto lice oznacuvase kopnez. Silen I postojan! Kopnezot go oznacuvase sekoj vozvisen cin na stradanjeto na teloto. Fizickata bolka ja oznuvase tapoto steganje na gradite, ama taa toa ne go primetuvase. Psihickoto izmacuvanje bese posilno. Toa bese nemirna vozdiska, tesko disenje, vrtoglavica. Toa bese bitka so samata sebe I bitka so svetot koj I gi okupirase mislite. Nejzinoto srce bese svieno vo crnina. Toa cukase silno I otsecno slusajki go ritamot na pesnite koi I bea ostavile tolku silen vpecatok. Taa ne sakase da priznae ama se plasese. Se plasese da ne ostane sama slusajki gi stihovite koi vo sekoj son gi povtoruva cuvstvuvajki silna bolka.
Nejzina bolka bese kopnezot.
Kopnezot bese pricina za bezivotniot izraz na nejzinoto lice i za nejziniot trepet vo gradite.
A nejzina cel bese vistinata. Onaa lazliva traga koja ostava rana dlaboko vo srceto-taa sakase da znae dali taa rana e vistinska.
Taa vsusnost sakase da znae dali moze da ja izdade bolkata. ..
Taa samo sakase da se zapoznae sebe si…
Taa sakase da se nasmee..
Taa vistinski sakase, sakase…

. He was sitting in his chair, looking at me, and as always asking me question about your health. Calling me with my baby nick name, I was more than happy to see that he looked great. Smiling with joy and looking young I was happy to see that he doesn’t have any pain, he doesn’t have any scars, and he enjoys life. I was confused by this, as I knew that his health is not very good, but I assumed that he become better. As we were talking about how to prevent future problems, I was looking with joy and smiled.
Then. I woke up. It was a dream. He is not here. It is 5 am. Another dream in which I saw his happy face. All confused I went to his room. Empty room, perfectly made bed. Picture of me, my brother and my mother on the side. Pictures that he was seeing while fighting to survive. Pictures that were reminding him that he should not give up. I crushed on the bed all in tears. More than ever I realized that I miss him. More than I ever I realized that this past 6 months are fake. I am fake. I am not the same person, that so desperately I am trying to be. I am hiding that I miss him. And people think I don’t. But I do. To call me by nick name, or just send me message asking me what took me so long to come home, or that he loves me. I miss his perfume all around. I miss my friends saying “ Your dad is sooo handsome” . I miss my brother and I fighting for whom to get his old phone. I miss him being the imperfect dad, and the most stylish 45 years old ever. I miss him buying films, and watching them with me and my brother. I miss his specific taste for juices. I miss him making fun of me and my friends when we were making sangria. I miss him joke around with me and my boyfriend. I miss him drinking coffee with me, and miss his talks about good places in town. I miss him saying “ You look beautiful “ before I was going out. I miss him eating watermelon with me, and discussing about food.I miss him saying “ What have you drank last night ?”. I miss you to change pictures from phone with me through wifi. I miss my imperfect, stylish, funny and amazing father. I love him. I always did. Never showed that.
I miss him more than I could think I ever will. And I barely enter in this room. It is so frickin painful.

"No gay permitted

“ Big Moto event for everyone that enjoys riding motorcycles. No alcohol, No drugs, No guns and NO homosexuals permitted” (This event is sponsored by city of Skopje)
Yes. This is the official invitation of this even, that on big posters is placed across the capital city. And all seems ok for almost everyone till the day when couple of NGO’s started complaining about this.
Well, this is something that should bother every single one of you. Not only few NGO’s. Girl, boy, women, man, adult, teen. Everyone. How can this be publicly said? I am not saying how people can think about this but how can you display such a thought in the center of the city?
I am frustrated and I am sick of this. We are going backwards and backwards and I am not sure where this will end.
In case you didn’t know, Macedonia has a law against discrimination, that is valid for everyone except homosexuals. Yes. You read well. And we are waiting to be accepted in the family of EU. Why we don’t mention homosexuals in this law? Because we don’t have homosexuals. It is that simple. Why would we need law that will protect them, when we don’t have any of “those creatures”.
I am not sure if we talk about dump or ignorant people. Or maybe blind. People who run our country and vote on laws. People who are planning to prohibit the abortion, and the right of choice. People who are discriminating while hiring are voting on a law against discrimination that has nothing to do with the basic human rights, because it does not include every one that might potentially be discriminated.
Good job Macedonia. Good job… keep being blind and ignorant. And go have fun on that event.

Ponekogas

Da, postoi vreme koga se sekavam na minatoto so taga. Daleku so mislite probuvam da se vozdrzam da ne zaplcam pred luge, luge koi mi zboruvaat za nekoi poinakvi, poubavi vreminja. Vreminja koi mi se cinat tolku dalecni. Skoro nevozmozno dostiglivi. Ne realni. Nikogas za mene ostvarlivi.
Da, postojat moment koga go mrazam cel svet. GI mrazam nasmevkite na lugeto odokolu zatoa sto jas ne se smeam. Bar ne so celo srce. I znam deka ne treba da ocekuvam cel svet da zastane samo zatoa sto jas padnav, no bar da se svrtat onie koi brzaat kon onie koi se dole padnati.
Da, postojat momenti koga mi se grci srceto. Navecer, pred da zaspijam. Kako zastareni I dalecni momenti mi se prestavuvaat vo glavata sliki od spomeni koi bolat. I nemozam da zaspijam. Cekam da dojde vreme koga ke mozam da gi izbrkam tie sliki I koga ke mozam da zaspijam bez grcenje.
Da, postoi vreme koga ne mislam na tagata. Vreme koga se smeam bar malku iskreno I koga povtorno veruvam vo zivotot. Koga go pijam sonceto I uzivam vo prirodata. I togas, nekoja najmala sitnica. Nesto za site drugi nebitno ke me vrati nazad I ke mi donese novi I novi sliki od mojot zivot I ke me rastazi.
Da znam deka ne sum edinstvena. Da znam deka ne sum najnesrekna. Ne ni sakam da se klasificiram kako takva. No isto taka od koga znam za sebe znam deka zivotot e nefer I deka te butka postojano. Dobro, nekoi gi posteduva, no ne sum jas od tie tolku sreknite.
Sto imam? Imam pretpostauvam neizvesna idina za koja nesakam da razmisluvam, zatoa sto sum zaglavena so mislite vo minatoto. Imam srce koe seuste znae da saka, no nesaka da se privrzuva. Imam zivotna bolka koja nikogas nema da iscezne. I imam son, koj ke se trudam da go dostignam. Imam sila da pisuvam. I Imam prijateli za koi zivot bi dala I znam deka toa samo po sebe e golema sreka.
Ironicno, no krajot go nosi zaklucokot deka sum srekna na nekoj cuden I neverojaten nacin. I duri I koga mi se grci srceto, prodolzuvam da disam zaradi oni na koi mi pokazale deka sum im potrebna.

random thinking

If i could say one word what would it be? If i could have one wish what would it be? If i could scream one more time, how loud would it be? How big my wish can grow, how painful my scream can be?
i had wish. Now i have nothing. I had life. Now i have leftovers. Yes, i was trying to achieve my goals, but i crashed in the middle. Yes i was trying to scream, but no voice was going out. Yes i was trying to hug the moon, but i couldnt reach it.
In a life full with wrong decisions, bad habits, beautiful people, i am not able to find myself. The crowd is passing me by and yet, my life stopped.

' I love you baby, that's all you need to think of when you will feel down'

I am trying. God knows i am.

Before leaving US

As my time in USA passes I have big need to write what is on my mind. I usually sleep at this time, but my dream is interrupted by the memories that are coming in mind.
During this year mostly I was learning. I was learning how to be more organized, how to be patient, how to smile even when I don’t want to and most of all I was learning what is like to be different. Something that I never was before. During this year I was trying to find myself. I was trying to figure out what are the things that are making me happy and what I actually want from life. This big, challenging school year is near its end and I can freely say that I am leaving like a winner, because I managed to stay and keep believing in the good of this world. This made me become even more passionate about human rights.
I know that when I go home, I will be the first one who will loudly support homosexual rights. This all is thanks to all wonderful, AMAZING people who showed me that being homosexual means being awesome, fun and loving person. I will also fight loudly for women’s rights and I will keep the spirit of VDay, organization that made me think deeper about everyday life, and the violence in it, inside me . Although I didn’t gave my best in it, I want you all to know that I truly respect every single girl that is part of it and I believe that they will be really successful women.
I will loudly speak against any kind of segregation based on nationality because I am SICK of politics and their influence in young people life. Because we, young people can make a difference and change the current situation in Macedonia. All this reminds me of another amazing women that I met and that gave me amazing advices about life. Joanne Bland . Thanks to her, and the whole Civil Rights Trip, today I am more confident that better world is possible and that everything can be achieved if we believe that we can MAKE a difference.
During this year I realized more than ever that I WANT to be Human Rights journalist and I will do what ever it takes to achieve that goal.
During this year, I’ve gone through hell. But also, during this year I met amazing friends who made my life easier and were always here for me. I know that I will keep them always in my heart and although I will not see them (that often at least) I will always think about them and love them with all my heart. Because of every single day that was full with fun, smiles, tears, hugs, drinks. Because of every moment that made me cherish life more.

Also, I will say that I had soooo much fun working with great people, (Taco BEll :) ) who knew how to make the busy days easier, and the slow days funnier
And last, but not least UEP rocks. And I MEANT IT. Because of the support, the positive energy and the feeling that your presence here has some meaning. I <3 UEP. I <3 UWEC